How to make my house a home and my head less crowded.

>> Wednesday, December 30, 2009

M and I bought a house in June. It absolutely killed me to not rip the house apart and begin remodeling right away. But June and July were near booked solid for the two of us, and August and September disappeared as my grandparents became ill and passed away a week apart. Any work after that was a write off, as I had work to catch up on, Christmas to prepare for and a broken heart to start mending.

Now is the time for the house. It involves ripping out ceilings and replacing with more modern and appealing ones. It involves removing mouldings and replacing them so they sit correctly. It involves new shutters and doors. It involves a new front step. It involves many gallons of paint and rolls of painting tape. It involves many a mental breakdown and many a disagreements about money.

Somehow I was cursed with a perfectionist vision and blessed with a man who doesn’t share it. I have expensive taste and a bank account that doesn’t match it. I want to be able to go out and buy the things I need, hire the necessary people to do it and have it done with. I’m not good with chaos. I like clean kitchens and clutter free tables. I like clean floors and matching furniture. Renovation is not a good time for someone with chaos issues.

But you know what I want most of all? I want to be able to enjoy this. I want M and I to share in the joy of redoing OUR house, our first house. I want to giggle as we paint. I want to eat pizza late at night, covered in dry wall dust. I want for the moulding to be crooked and to not care about it. I want to not have to leave when the ceilings are ripped out because it will induce an anxiety attack. I want to be able to spend the time to do it right and not go into debt doing it. I want us to make this house our home, together.

I want to let go of the perfection and just enjoy what I have now. Why is it so hard to do that? I have never gone into anyone’s home and noticed crooked moulding or ugly ceilings. I’ve never cared that the comfy sofa didn’t match the rocking chair. Or that their tables weren’t the same wood grain. Why do I expect more of myself?

Today I think I’ll start a worry jar. A jar to hold all of my worries, fears, and anxiety on tiny slips of paper, instead of in my head. A jar that can be buried in my backyard and out of my life. And maybe then I can be free to enjoy the amazing life spread out before me.


Barry December 31, 2009 at 6:28 AM  

Obviously you've found the right man to help you with your perfectionist tendencies.

And he's found the right woman to help him take a little extra care.

Those renovations could be transformative in more ways than one. I can't wait to see how you do.

Maggie December 31, 2009 at 8:51 AM  

All the renovations take time and effort but you will get to all of them eventually!! You have each other to do it. I'm wishing you a very blessed New Year! May 2010 be filled with much health, love and prosperity.

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